dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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