and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
