I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
It's official drugs can't kill me
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
