My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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