A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
