the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
