Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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