Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
