I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
