I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
She's the barista slut.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
