You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
