We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
