You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
