Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
where are you?
Hypothermia
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
