guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
