i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
