So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
