apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
