If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
In America we eat man semen.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
