If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
