yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
