I am in a vortex of obligation.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Randomize
