I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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