I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
