I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
