I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
