this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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