Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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