24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
