my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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