I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You were trust falling into bushes
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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