What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
