garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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