Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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