So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
