Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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