Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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