I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
