youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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