Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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