There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Randomize
