She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
