i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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