I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
