You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
