Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
this boner is exhausting
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
