my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
