Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Randomize
