He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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