The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I'm like, not good at living.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
