i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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